Butterfly · Confessions

i love wednesdays now since i don't have to go back to work until sunday. mmm. today was pretty chill but i overslept by like an hour and a half...got to work. rain sucks man. pretty much watched T.V. most of the day since they were waxing the floors i made sure i was trapped in the living room with the T.V. my manager rose ended up buying me lunch so that was cool. watched more t.v. and then went to pick up the guys and did some work. paid some bills and then finally came home. now i am watching general hospital and then i'm going to work out a little bit. mmm...i'm sooo broke too. grrr.
tomorrow i'm just going to chill. ill be around so cya if i cya and if u don't then....

the subject line pretty much sums up the reason why i haven't been regular in updating. i'm just sick of ppl who are supposed to be my friends choosing when they wanna talk to me but feel that they have the freedom to talk behind my back as much as they want. you know who you are. and of course I know who you are. it sucks i can only trust like 4 people in my entire family and friends unconditionally.
anyway. i am trying not to allow myself to get stressed by other people's stupid actions but i can't help it sometimes.
on another note. I'm sooooo happy with certain things that everything else is whatever right now. i finally have what i always needed and never knew i wanted.
well i'm so exhausted. only slept like two hours last night and worked all day today.
one more day....

well I'm really psyched that tomorrow is my last day of the week where I'm required to be up at 5 a.m. but its weird that I've been waking up at 3:44am everyday for the past week and a half now. Like I wake up and look at the time and it's like, DANG! so then i have to force myself to go back to sleep.
well last night after bookstudy i went home and made chicken fettuccini alfredo. that was good. I watched GH from earlier and WifeSwap (man some ppl are weird) and SuperNanny with some kid who was like a freakin bizarre little boy and he was sooo cute as well. Yeah he was like beating up his mom...he's like freaking 6! Man I'd have to hurt my child if he ever ATTEMPTED to slap me around. I went to bed kind of early and then James woke me up when he called me after he did all the landscaping work his dad had him and his brothers do. Poor Baby! LoL.

It was pretty chill at work today except my arms and shoulders were like crazy sore. I read Cosmo after me the Harvey cleaned up and I helped him with my laundry. Then I watched a couple of episodes of Date My Mom. Started working on a new story line. And talked with James off and on today.

Today is 7 months!!

Anyways I'm gonna finish working on this story before James calls me at 7:01pm. :P

Ciao.

well i talked with tiff and drew and charna last night. got busted by some ppl that weren't supposed to know about certain things but i knew it was just bound to happen.
I pretty much stayed in yesterday though besides the meeting. I watched lots of DVDs until General Hospital came on. EXCITING. then I watched the notebook as I cooked...and cried lots at the ending. When I got home...I talked to james for a couple of hours...we had an intense talk (not an argument) just talked about a lot of serious things. It was nice. Ummm that was pretty much it for yesterday. Today I read my new Seventeen magazine and had really yummy french toast sticks...mmm
I started putting away my summer clothes in my new bureau and packing away my winter clothes...I still have to arrange my closets though...Aagh. I don't feel like it though. I think Ill hang around up here for a bit first and then get dressed and do some errands though gas is ridiculous and I don't want to do anything more than I have to.Maybe tonight I'll hang out with Charna...we'll see.

well that's it for now but here's my inspirational quote for today:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There'snothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we subconciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~ Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

well i had a bitter sweet week with the cali crew. we had lots of fun and all...I wish Charna was hear to hang out with us. I love those freaking guys man. anyways I got to spend time with James...I'm gonna stop writing Isaiah, cuz I don't call him that anymore and he prefers James anyway...His brothers Malachi and Danny...and of course one of my most favoritest ppl in the world...ASHLEIGH. I really love you all. Some other stuff happened but too many ppl that I no longer want knowing my personal business read this still so I'll have to tell those that I want personally. Excitedness.
I also confronted ppl with all the BS and lies they have been feeding to me. I no longer wish to associate myself with BACKSTABBERS and those who live double lives and try and alter their perception to that of an angel when they are really dirty on the inside but you know. What you do will come to the light. Rest Assured of that.

Anyway I got mad family drama and it's ridiculous right about now. I pretty much have no family anymore. I just wanna cry and sleep for the rest of my life because I'm tired of defending myself when I didn't even do anything which I should have to defend in the first place. And it'll be a cold day in the Sahara when I will sit there and let some freaking outsider to this "family" sit there and talk about my father. Don't you ever dare fix your mouth to talk about my father. You didn't know him at all and you know nothing about him and he's dead, no longer hear to defend himself. Don't do it...I swear to God I will hurt you if you try to do it again.

Everything is bad. I have so few real true friends that actually care about me and it hurts to sit there and know that ppl you once trusted don't care enough about you to not say Hi, or even How are you doing? and I can't trust half of the ppl because they sit there and lie to my face...talk behind my back and ruin so many relationships in the process of their own selfish pursuits of pointless pleasures, MAGICAL NIGHTS or DAYS spent with a liar who is the equivalent of the TRI STATE COUNTY'S Male SLUT of the year. People who have known me for not even a full year have proven themselves more reliable than Ppl who once called themselves, FAMILY, BEST FRIENDS...

I am happy you're back safely CHARNA, man I am fortunate to have you there because you never disappoint me. You always have my back and I love you to death in case you didn't know that. I only hope I am half as good as a friend as you are to me because you deserve at least that much. Thank You.
And thank you TIFFANY. You are always the SAME TIFFANY as I've known since I was such a young child and on the threshold of our Real Adult Lives you've been the same to me. Thanks for always backing me up whenever I need it. I Love You Always.
I Love You JAMES. You're so much of what I never knew I needed and I thank the heavens that I found it finally. You let me cry when I need to and always remind me that if all else fails and the world turns against me....I always have you. YOu want to take care of me and be there to protect me. I've never really had that in a person. You let me get pissed at you and you still take it like a man...:P You're one of my best friends for life man. God made sure you found me when I needed you the most. MWA!

sorry guys but i was recuperating from my impacted wisdom teeth removal...man that hurts...and it got worse before it even attempted to get better.
So much drama and stress and I'm done with dealing with it. Family, Friends, Former Friends....whatever....I'm concerned with only me for the time being.
But anyways I didn't forget CARISSA...and I know I'm late but Happy Birthday!!

I've been on this kick for the past week of remembering all of my crazy childhood memories and I definitely feel a bit nostalgic for them. I mean I grew up with best friends that I still have today. I mean me and Tiffany alone have memories that could fill like 3 novels on their own and that's just between the ages of five and eleven. And that's not the memories that I have with Andrew or Charna....everyone has their own attic full of memories that seemed stored all in my mind and heart. Its kinda bizarre that I'm on my way to becoming 21 and come June all of my bestest friends will have graduated from highschool and I'll have been out for three full years. It seems like yesterday we were playing barbies and planning our weddings and living next door in these great big houses in the suburbs and having our kids be best friends just like we were...making up weird scenarios and plotting some scheme...or making up a dance. LoL we did alot of those. (wait...that might have been yesterday...j/k) but seriously and in the same moment...i feel sooo sooo old. wow....
am i old?
anyway...i just got an idea for a story so let me write before I forget it.

Well I went to the dentist today...It wasn't horrible but my suspicions were correct and I must have my wisdom teeth extracted. So yeah I don't really know what I'm thinking about that...but AAHH...anyway...going to Bethel tomorrow morning...that should be cool and getting the rest of my furniture into the apartment within the next week so I'm excited...very excited. Then I'll throw a housewarming get together with the girls and such things. Everything can pretty much be summed up in one word (if you can even call it that) but EHH...That's kinda how I feel about it all right now. Ricky is an butt hole. but what else is new. and I guess Marcus and Alyssa will be married as of April 1st...but I am refraining from commenting for the obvious reasons...sigh...enough said I guess.
I didn't do much after my dentist appointment today...I pretty much just cleaned up the house and got online...and I watched Fools Rush In...Now I'm waiting for General Hospital to come on...I missed it yesterday so...grr...
Oh and I've finally gotten my Sims 2 University expansion pack installed so I played that last night after I watched America's Next Top Model...True Funness.
And speaking of America's Next Top Model...Why is Jade still there? Send her home please and make America happy. I really like Leslie and Nnenna though..and Danielle...
Well let me go and finish other things before 3pm...
Ciao.

I'm sorry it's been forever...but so much has been going on I've been inundated with things...finally calming down and plus I got my computer fully restored so thank Goodness. But this morning I screwed up my neck and I can barely move it so I'm gonna keep this one kinda short and to the point. Well actually there is no point so this is kinda pointless but I wanted to tell you guys that I still love you and you're all the most awesomest people I know...but besides that Carissa I FINALLY replied to your reply to me lol...gave you some GH scoop. Well Talk TO YOU VERY SOON...I PROMISE!!!